Posted 08/25/2013 by admin in Untethered MMA

Untethered Mail Bag for August 2013

By Mike Fagan, August 25th, 2013 

who would win a fight between Overeem and Aldo if they were both Smurfs? – @Chris81203

I wiki’d the Smurfs to refresh my memory. Apparently, it’s a Danish creation. I had no clue. I recently saw Jagten (The Hunt), which is a Danish film about a man falsely accused of inappropriately touching his best friend’s young daughter. These don’t really have anything to do with one another, except to point out that Danish people are strange in a great way.

And more important than who would win a fight as Smurfs (it’s Aldo, obviously) is how we would name some UFC personalities in Smurf form. So, here we go.

Dana White – Promoter Smurf

Lorenzo Fertitta – Money Smurf

Joe Rogan – Veiny Smurf

Mike Goldberg – Bumbling Smurf

Jon Anik – Steady Smurf

Randy Couture – Philandering Smurf

Alistair Overeem – Collapsing Smurf, Chinny Smurf

Cain Velasquez – Brown Smurf

Georges St-Pierre – Greasy Smurf

Brock Lesnar – Stomach Smurf

B.J. Penn – Pool Smurf

Chuck Liddell – Party Smurf

Chris Leben – Sad Smurf

Stefan Struve – Leaky Smurf

Dominick Cruz – Broken Smurf

Urijah Faber – California Smurf

Jon Jones – Dewey Smurf

Joe Silva – Handshake Smurf

Malki Kawa – Sketchy Smurf

Bruce Buffer – Hoarse Smurf

Lyoto Machida – Sideways Smurf

Ben Henderson – Amen Smurf

Melvin Guillard – Powder Smurf

Donald Cerrone – McConaughey Smurf

Time to start #UFCSmurfs.


could a prime Brock Lesnar beat any two UFC fighters at once? If so, which two? – @HunterAHomistek

In a regulated MMA bout against modern UFC fighters? Doubtful. Even the lower-run guys at the lighter weight classes should be able to flank him and get on his back. Not to mention the conditioning issue.

In a street fight against anyone in UFC history? I feel like he’s got a shot if we start throwing around names like Jon Hess and Andy Anderson and such. He needs to work quick to incapacitate someone, though.


I seriously want to know how many fighters poop their pants when KO’d/choked out. – @NatalieZed

I googled “how often do people poop themselves when choked out”. Here are some of the results:

“A morbid question about hanging suicides”

“Steven Seagal denies ever pooping his pants”

“5 Annoying Things Skinny People Say When You Are Loosing Weight”

“how long does it take to hang yourself to death”

“How to Make a Kitten Poop: 12 Steps”

“Why Do Women Return to Abusive Relationships? (with picture)”

“Beagles on the web: FAQ”

“What It’s Really Like To Be An Alcoholic”

These are not helpful. Here is something slightly more helpful. I was hanging out at a bar with some people from my softball team. After a few drinks, I started horsing around with my friend Jim. For whatever reason, I decided to put him in a good-natured rear-naked choke. Jim put his arm up as if he were about to tap, and just sort of held it there. Next thing I know, Jim goes limp. I catch his weight, and carefully bring him down to the floor. Except I forget to catch his head so that lands with a thunk. I’d love to tell you that Jim never woke up and the State charged me with manslaughter and I’ve actually been residing at the State Penitentiary for the last few years. But he woke up rather quickly and didn’t remember the whole choking out thing. So I had to explain that to him, which was sort of awkward.

Anyway, he didn’t poop his pants. I’ve seen a couple other people choked unconscious and they didn’t poop their pants either. I hear it happens, though.


If you had to choose one fighter from the Bellator roster to guide you through the Alps, who would it be? – @NYid07

My knowledge of the Bellator roster: Eddie Alvarez, Michael Chandler, Quinton Jackson, Tito Ortiz, Christian M’Pumbu, King Mo, Emmanuel Newton, the Pitbull dudes, Pat Curran, uh…Vladimir Matyushenko…There’s some other UFC castoffs there, too. Plus Alexander Shlemenko and the other Russians. Yeah, that’s about all I got off the top of my head.

I’m not sure any of those guys could tell me which continent houses the Alps, let alone guide me through a fucking mountain range. Alvarez would be too busy Jerseying up his eyebrows. Tito Ortiz would break his leg at the base of the mountain. Quinton Jackson would complain about something (everything). King Mo would think I’m hating on him (because I would be hating on him). Emmanuel Newton wouldn’t stop spinning. The Russians would give me the greatest chance of survival, but Russians are fucking crazy. (Seriously, I train with a bunch of Russians. They’re all nuts.)

Can I take Bjorn? This is a man with animal-killing experience, allegedly. That’s important. He looks vaguely European, which could be of some value when we encounter Euro Hillbillies living in the Alps.

I’d probably end up in some sort of contracted indentured servitude, but that’s a price I’m going to have to pay here.


The Untethered Mail Bag is a monthly repository of your questions about the world of MMA. Only the most silly, irreverent, and absurd inquiries are considered. Send your questions by email to or through Twitter @ItsMikeFagan