Posted 09/15/2013 by Marlene Taborda in Untethered MMA
 
 

UFC Fight Night: Teixeira vs Bader Preview

By Mike Fagan, September 3rd, 2013

Someone. Anyone! Please! Help! HELP!

*SPLASH*

I can’t take much more of this. I-

*SPLASH*

THERE’S JUST TOO MUCH UFC FOR ME TO HANDLE.

*SPLASH. GARGLE GARGLE. DEAD.*

 

Three cards, seven days, and thirty-five fights later and the UFC whirlwind finally comes to an end with Fight Night: Teixeira vs. Bader. And thank Christ for it.

Glover Teixeira vs. Ryan Bader

-Holy crap, I just checked Best Fight Odds and Glover Teixeira is a more than a 4-1 favorite over Ryan Bader. Holy crap holy crap, let’s put some money on Ryan Bader.

Quick! Tell me Teixeira’s best win. Waiting. Still waiting. OK. What do you come up with? Quinton “Disgruntled” Jackson? Ricco Rodriguez? James “Bumble” Te-Huna? What a list of distinguished MMA talent!

Now, let’s play this game again with Ryan Bader. There’s Disgruntled Jackson again. And Vladimir Matyushenko. OK. And Antonio Rogerio Nogueira. I mean, sure, Sokoudjou hit that, too. I’ll give you that. But, c’mon. Take Jackson away from both guys and Bader’s got the better list of victims.

Sure, you can’t play MMA math and run with that. I know. I’m no dummy. So let’s look at some of the other tangibles here. Bader is a wrestler. List the wrestlers Glover Teixeira has fought (and beat). Kyle Kingsbury? Yeah, that dude wrassled in high school and then walked-on to the ASU football team. And hey, Marvin Eastman was a two-time NJCAA All-American…in the early ’90s! Let’s just say Bader brings a little more to the table.

Despite Teixeira’s “prospect status,” he’s 33 years old! That’s three years older than Bader!

Teixeira’s entire UFC career has been beating up cans and carrying Quinton Jackson for three rounds. Yeah, Bader lost to Tito Ortiz, but  most people would agree that was a fluke loss. The only other names to hand him losses? Jon Jones and Lyoto Machida. Glover Teixeira, they are not.

I don’t know if the current line represents the Teixeira hype or Bader hate or what, but I do know it is juicy and I’m taking a big bite of it.

-But that’s not all! You can also grab Yushin Okami at +200 (or better)! Why? Who knows!

Jacare Souza lost to Luke Rockhold and had trouble with Tim Kennedy. Okami presents a lot of size problems, and outside of the weird loss to Tim Boetsch, has only been beaten by Anderson Silva, Chael Sonnen, and Rich Franklin in his (long, holy shit looooong) UFC career.

Jacare is good at taking guys down (3.92 takedowns per 15 minutes), but Okami has an 84% defense rate. That’s likely where the fight will hinge, but is Jacare so good at takedowns and so much better on the floor to be a 5-2 favorite?

-What the hell is this flyweight fight doing on the main card? Get it the hell back on the prelims where it belongs! (Seriously, though, Joseph Benavidez-Jussier Formiga should be banging. [Side note: For whatever reason “Formiga” sounds like something resembling smegma. For instance: Would you kindly wash your taint? The formiga is getting to be a bit much.])

-Then we hit that point of a Brazilian UFC card where you read the names and think “WHO ARE THESE GUYS?” like the fans in the bleachers of Cleveland Municipal Stadium at the beginning of Major League. In the interest of Entertainment and Education, I will give you short bios on the remaining main card fighters, without consulting Wikipedia or searching Google.

Francisco Trinaldo: Great-great-great-great-great-grandson to famed Portuguese explorer Diogo Trinaldo. Once drank an entire gallon of Acai juice in under a minute. Fighting style: Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

Piotr Hallman: Dennis Hallman’s alter ego. Wears a pair of Speedo over his head as a Lucha Libre mask. Constantly asks to fight Matt Hughes.

Rafael Natal: Will end his life following a mediocre UFC career after endless “Rafael Nadal” jokes push him over the edge. Never achieved the power baseline game of his better namesake. Fighting style: Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

Tor Troeng: IKEA co-founder moonlighting as a professional fighter. Addicted to TANG.

Marcos Vinicius: Grew up in an upper-middle-class Brazilian family. Got a job as an investment banker in downtown Rio. Life fell into shambles when investment bank CEOs made bet for 1 real. Currently living in a Rio favela, conspiring with a prostitute and Eddie Murphy to bring the investment bank CEOs down. Fighting style: Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

Ali Bagautinov: Not actually a professional fighter. Abducted by UFC officials during UFC 112 event in Abu Dhabi. Has been forced to train MMA in near-isolation for three years. Must now fight for his freedom.

And that’s your Fight Night: Teixeira vs. Bader undercard!

 

Mike Fagan is a weekly contributor to MMA Owl. He also hosts Untethered MMA every Thursday at 7 p.m. ET at FightFansRadio.com, also available as a podcast via iTunes.

 

 

 


Marlene Taborda