Posted 10/31/2013 by Marlene Taborda in Untethered MMA
 
 

Untethered Mail Bag for October 2013

By Mike Fagan, October 31st, 2013

Welcome to another edition of the Untethered Mail Bag, where I answer your questions about all things fighting and lament life and existence.

 

Question 1

Who is a scarier hypothetical human being: Peyton Manning with Scorpion’s harpoon or LeBron James training MMA since toddler? – @DefGrappler

Hey, it’s a Halloween question, I guess? And I got this last month, so Halloween wasn’t even a thing and oh fuck you guys it has “scarier” in the question.

Like an asshole, I had to look up “Scorpion’s harpoon.” Turns out Mr. DefGrappler was referencing Scorpion from Mortal Kombat. I’m not sure Manning’s football skill translates to a rope harpoon. Scorpion throws that thing like a dart. You might be better off with one of those beer-bellied British guys you see on ESPN2 at 2 a.m. Even then, Scorpion’s throwing that thing with enough force to pierce through the skin. Maybe if you let Manning toss that thing around for a few years, ignoring football and his wife and kids and his Papa John, yeah, he’d be a scary dude. Otherwise, he’s just a guy with a harpoon and large forehead.

Which leaves LeBron as the winner by default, but let’s not gloss over how fucking scary he would be. If he took up MMA in his teens, he’d be a monster, but there’s still the possibility that his mental makeup fails him. Like, maybe the dude hates getting hit in the face. Or he wilts under pressure or whatever.

But if you have him training as a child? Dude’s gonna end up like an Unsullied. A fearless fighting machine with a genetic miracle of a body and a large forehead.

Adam Hunter is locked in a room filling with water, but he has swallowed a vial full of the cure for cancer, do you save him? – @NYid07

 

Question 2

Adam Hunter is locked in a room filling with water, but he has swallowed a vial full of the cure for cancer, do you save him? – @NYid07

Adam Hunter, of course, is a friend of the column and the man behind the @MMARoasted Twitter account. He makes jokes like this:

-A little kid dressed up as a tiger for Halloween and Matt Hughes just shot him.

-Belfort said he plans of fighting till his 40′s…not the age, the amount over the normal TRT level.

-Chael Sonnen said he plans on dressing up as Random Drug Test for Halloween so he can scare Overeem.

Adam Hunter is a comedian. Or fancies himself one. His jokes consist of taking a newsworthy person or story, relating it with the first thing a 12-year-old boy would come up with, and tweeting it out, oftentimes without proper set-up/punchline format. For instance, the punchline of the Sonnen joke is “Random Drug Test,” yet Hunter leaves that in the middle of his joke. Let’s improve it:

Chael Sonnen scared Alistair Overeem at the UFC Halloween Party when he dressed up as a Random Drug Test.

Do you see the difference here? The funny bit goes at the end. This is Jokewriting 101. (And I took Jokewriting 101, so I’m an expert on this.) The man calls himself a comedian but fails at a fundamental skill of comedy. He’s like a baker who sprinkles the yeast on at the end and wonders why his bread doesn’t rise.

Let’s see if we can improve on the Sonnen some more.

Chael Sonnen scared Alistair Overeem at the UFC Halloween Party when he hung around longer than three minutes.

Chael Sonnen scared Alistair Overeem at the UFC Halloween Party when he cut off a horse’s head and wore it as a mask.

Chael Sonnen scared Alistair Overeem at the UFC Halloween Party when he stuck a needle in Overeem’s arm and said, “Don’t worry, Reem. It’s heroin.”

Would I save Adam Hunter in order to protect the cure for cancer? Of course. Adam Hunter is nothing more than a bad comedian with low self-esteem and no barometer of good taste. And the dude needs to stop ducking the Untethered MMA Podcast.

 

If a crab and a half weighs a pound and a half, but the half crab weighs half as much again as the whole crab, how much does half of the whole crab plus the whole of the half crab weigh? – @AcidicLactor

This is easy. A Boston crab.

 

The Untethered Mail Bag is a monthly repository of your questions about the world of MMA. Only the most silly, irreverent, and absurd inquiries are considered. Send your questions by email to mikeypatriot@gmail.com or through Twitter @ItsMikeFagan.

 

 

 


Marlene Taborda