Posted 11/05/2013 by Marlene Taborda in Untethered MMA

UFC Fight Night 31: UFC Fight for the Troops 3

By Mike Fagan, November 5th, 2013 

We can all thank Michael Bisping for this. The UFC’s third Fight For The Troops event was once a tapioca undercard with a fun main event. Bisping’s retinas snapped off from whatever retinas are supposed to be attached to, forcing Lyoto Machida to exit his fight with Tim Kennedy in order to shinkick teammate Mark Munoz into unconsciousness. Now we’re left with a tapioca undercard and an awful main event.

You have to go all the way back to April to find a card as bad on paper. Back when Fuel TV was still a thing, Gegard Mousasi was scheduled to fight Alexander Gustafsson. The latter suffered a cut days out from the fight, and in stepped Ilir Latifi, he of zero UFC fights and still lacking in the important “Wikipedia entry” metric. The fight sucked, or so I was told. Ryan Couture fought in the co-main slot. Akira Kurosawa and Robert “Jhonny” Peralta opened the main card.

I believe in this card, though. I believe that no one can pick Colton Smith out of a lineup. I believe that women’s MMA can be just as bad as any fight between two men. And I believe that Tim Kennedy will show up with his diaper shorts once again. I believe in bad.

-Where to start this thing… Kennedy’s a -375ish favorite. Natal’s UFC win column looks like this: Tor Troeng, Joao Zeferino, Sean Spencer, Michael Kuiper, Paul Bradley. Kennedy’s actually beaten some guys you’ve heard of. God, this fight is going to be the worst.

-Kennedy once beaten current crazy person Jason Miller back in 2003. He dropped the rematch in 2007, headlining the second and final card HDNetFIGHTS put on. For those who weren’t around or don’t remember, Mark Cuban briefly flirted with the idea of becoming a fight promoter. He talked about treating the fighters well and blah blah blah. Everything seemed to hinge on Randy Couture breaking from his UFC contract in order to put together a fight between him and Fedor Emelianenko. Randy ended up resigning with the UFC, Fedor signed with Affliction, and Cuban/HDNet dropped the promoter thing and focused on broadcasting events.

-By my count, Liz Carmouche vs. Alexis Davis is the tenth women’s fight in the UFC. Another milestone!

-Speaking of milestones, Carmouche could become the first women’s fighter with two wins inside the UFC! Oh mama!

-Have I mentioned how bad this card is? Oh, I have? Sorry. I’m sorry any of us have to watch this.

-Here’s some sweet facts about Fort Campbell:


1. The War Department (now the Owellian Defense Department) originally designated Tennessee as Fort Campbell’s address. This caused all types of problems (read: just one type) because while Headquarters was in Tennessee, the post office was in Kentucky. The War Department changed the address to Kentucky. Government efficiency, amirite?

2. Fort Campbell is home to the “Screaming Eagles,” a the Eagles death metal cover band. Just kidding. It’s a parachute team.

3. In 1999, Private Calvin Glover bludgeoned Private First Class Barry Winchell to death with a baseball bat. Glover was urged on by Specialist Justin Fisher. Their motive? Winchell fell in love with transsexual showgirl Calpernia Addams. Addams would later star in the reality TV show Transamerican Love Story. Fisher plea bargained down to 12.5 years before being released in 2006. Glover received a life sentence, which he is currently serving. Odds this is mentioned on the UFC broadcast: +10,000.

4. In 2005, Private Nicholas Mikel opened fire on a group of soldiers training at the base. Mikel had previous run-ins with the law: a stolen government laptop, a burglary conviction in Florida, an alleged attempted rape of a female soldier. No one was hurt, and courts sentenced Mikel to 25 years in prison.


Sounds like a delightful place!

-Guys, really, this card is very bad. I’m contracted to watch it, so I have an excuse. Please, if you have anything else going on, if you respect your time on this earth, go do something, anything else. Fly a kite. Carve a pumpkin. Look up at the stars. Tell someone you love them. Plan a party. Throw a party. Go to a party. Explore an unfamiliar area of your city. Win a bunch of tickets at an arcade and give them to a little kid. Call your mom. Read a book. Watch Alvarez vs. Chandler I and II. Lose religion. Talk to a stranger. Kiss someone (consensually). Listen to that one record you used to love in high school. Rearrange your living room. Build that IKEA furniture you’ve had sitting around for months. Spend time with your child. Eat a good meal. Anything. Do anything but watch this trash. Please. Do it for America. Do it for the troops.


Mike Fagan is a weekly contributor to MMA Owl. He also hosts Untethered MMA every Thursday at 7 p.m. ET at, also available as a podcast via iTunes.




Marlene Taborda