Posted 01/31/2014 by Mike Fagan in Untethered MMA

Untethered Mail Bag for January 2014

It’s been a while since I’ve done a mail bag. It’s hard gathering material because I have to spam Twitter and ask for questions and I’m worried that people think it’s an underhanded ploy to get other people to generate MMA web content because that’s exactly what it is. But here we are as a deadline approaches on the last day of January and I need some help generating MMA web content. Ahoy.

Agree or disagree: @UntetheredSubo looks like Jim Rome and sounds like the voice guy who says “EA Sports, it’s in the game” – @FurysFightPicks

Jim Rome is a dark-haired, goateed Californian who grooms well and wears nice clothing and says things with an implied shit-eating grin. Derek Suboticki has dirty blonde hair and a red beard who probably smells like weed at his best and trash at his worst and doesn’t own a nice pair of socks let alone a suit and can’t say anything without a shit-eating grin. He’s also a large man. I think he’s said he’s well over six feet and I’m not sure he’s stepped on a scale under 200 pounds in the last decade. Google lists Rome at 5’9”, and an image search for “Jim Rome shirtless” proved futile, but I’d be shocked if he’s ever weighed more than 185 pounds in his life. So, no, I don’t think Subo and Rome look alike.

I was all ready to blast you for the EA Sports voice guy, too, but then I found this delightful Youtube video of the guy (named Andrew Anthony, who apparently shares that name with a Guardian UK journalist) giving a tutorial for the infamous “…it’s in the game” tagline. And, you know what? If Derek took life more seriously and stopped spending college loan money on now-legal drugs and spoke like a goddamn adult? Yeah, I could see it.

If you could hold any UFC fighter’s dick in your hand, which one would it be and why? – @mookiealexander

I, apparently, will never live this moment down. (Skip to 40:20 or so.) Let’s set the record straight before we move on to this gentleman’s question. I’m not 100% sure I’ve put another man’s dick in my hand. But I’m not 100% sure I haven’t, either. You play in punk bands in your late teens/early 20s, everyone’s a little crazy, and you may have ended up with a dick in your hand at some point. Whatever.

If we’re putting UFC fighters’ dicks in our hands, though, we gotta shoot for something special, right? There’s no point in taking, say, Travis Browne or Darren Elkins’s dicks out, let alone fondling them. I mean, fuck it, let’s not limit ourselves to one dick. In my left hand, let’s go with Demetrious Johnson. And with my right, let’s go with Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva. We can photograph it and I’ll put on the Subo shit-eating smile and we’ll make a bunch of money on it.

If you had to fight @UntetheredSubo and @MattRoth512 to the death at the same time, who would be the sole survivor and why? – @TB_Money

It’s obvious that Subo dies first. Not because he’s the weak link or anything, but Roth and I both hate him and there’s no way we let him go over either one of us. It’s a two-on-one until Derek dies, which might take forever because he’s a stubborn little shit.

So, you’re left with Roth and me, and it all sort of depends on the environment. Are we in the Octagon? A playground? Near a burrito stand? Fagan wins. Are we in the WEC blue cage of death? The Hart family dungeon? A bathroom with a naked Demetrious Johnson and Antonio Silva? Roth ends my life.

What is the best matchup you can think of between guys 2+ weight classes apart? – @King_Brody

Hey, an MMA question!

Up until the last year or so, Anderson Silva fighting most any of the heavyweights makes for an intriguing fight. I want to say Cain crushes him, but, man, I wouldn’t totally count out a prime Silva fighting at 220 (+/- 5 pounds).

This is sort of copping out since he just moved down, but I think Lyoto Machida makes for an interesting match up against Junior dos Santos. Machida’s elusiveness would cause a lot of problems for dos Santos, who would probably have to make the fight ugly to optimize his win rate.

how many unarmed 5 year olds could you take in a fight? – @ZachLambertski

I first encountered this question on the old 2+2 gambling forums, which, unfortunately, are blocked at this office I’m at, so I can’t go back and find my answer. When that thread started, I was 23, had barely had any fight training (if any), and was a 155-pound weakling. I’m now 29, have had a blue belt in BJJ for a year or so, and have 160 pounds of nearing-middle-aged-man strength.

Like the threeway dance question earlier, a lot depends on the parameters. Open or closed space? Kids come at me one at a time or like a horde of zombies? Are they trained to fight or are they kindergarten mouthbreathers?

Assuming a normal-sized gymnasium and a horde of untrained mouthbreathers, I think I could take 50, conservatively, and probably somewhere closer to 100? Obviously, the situation is different, but two Japanese soccer players successfully sliced through a mass of children. Those kids look older than five, too. Five-year-olds are dumb and weak and I might be selling myself short.

If you’re stuck on a desert island and were forced to take one male MMA fighter with you, who would it be? – @SamerKadiMMA

This is easy: Roger Gracie.

Mike Fagan is a weekly contributor to MMA Owl. He also hosts Untethered MMA every Thursday at 7 p.m. ET. Follow him on Twitter


Mike Fagan